Happy Father’s Day

NY Times Article “Want to Know Your Dad Better?”

Ask him these 25 Questions.”

I have a good relationship with my son, but for the fun of it. I thought I would give him this gift for Father’s Day.

When you were younger, who were your best friends and how did you spend your free time?

I think you know, that I have not had many truly close friends in my life. I kept people at arms length. As a youngster I spent my youth playing sports at McGovern’s field. I learned lots of lesson’s but always enjoyed the competition. You’ve met Richard Andersen. His Dad was the high school shop teacher and we went to church together. He is the only one from my youth I still communicate with.

Before I was 30 I was an angry young man, driven to prove myself at work. Tennis and sports brought me out of that shell. I had 2 doubles partners I enjoyed. One was in Newport, RI where I found the game. The other was Travis Stone. I did keep up with him and his wife briefly after I met your mother. But time and distance caused me to lose touch with both of them.

With your mother, church activities and your birth caused me to float away from tennis. The last time I played was with you. There are several things that tennis gave me which are extremely important to the father I became. The first is the ability to compete and not worry about results. I often have said I became a human being during this period. The other was your mother and eventually you. Your birth rounded out my life. In a lot of ways, it helped me realize that my life was now lived well. I won’t put more into it, but your birth changed me in more ways than anyone will ever know.

What was your role in your family when you were growing up? What were your siblings’ roles?

As you know I was the 4th of 5 children. The events of the last year have me thinking about the relationship of the 5 of us with our parents a lot differently. Looking back on it my role in the family until Beth was born was to be the baby of the family. Until Beth was born the defining event in our lives was Dad building the house in East Greenwich. We all had roles but mine was to stay out of the way.

I suspect Rosalie was put in charge of me to ensure my safety. Allen was old enough to swing a hammer. Rufus mostly served as a goofer, though I did hear Dad at one point note that Rufus’s joy of heights made him more suitable at 10 to help with the ridge pole. Allen spent much of his free time helping Dad build the house. I believe these were to define the relationships we had with our parents well into our adulthood’s

We all loved our parents and each other, but Rosalie was my care taker and Allen a house builder when their preference might have been to be teenagers with friends more often. For Rufus the house was an adventure and the woodlands near the house became his playground. For me, well I just was there.

By the time I was in school and able to help the job was done. Mom became the housekeeper, there was not a lot of work and I became Dad’s goofer over the years, but there wasn’t the work load needed for me to swing a hammer. Because the family became smaller neither Beth or I ended up doing chores the same way Rosalie and Allen had. Our role was to be good students and to grow up to be independent.

When you were growing up, what was your idea of what a dad should be like?

I’m not certain I thought much about it. Dad was the disciplinarian and bread winner. Discipline was seldom needed. When at home he watched TV. As principal of the school his job was to support the school activities and he attended as many as possible. Both athletic and theater. I was fortunate to be able to attend many such activities growing up. It gave me a well rounded set of interests.

Describe the house or apartment you grew up in. Where did you eat? Where did you play?

I remember little of the apartment before the house was completed. but the house was a Cape with a center stair case with a full dormer in back. Upstairs were 2 large bedrooms which were insulated but not finished. Rufus and I shared the smaller room until Rosalie and Allen moved out and then I had the room to myself. Downstairs included the Master Bed room and a bedroom for Beth or Rosalie, though I believe I actually had that room after Rosalie moved out until Beth was born. There was a full bath between that bedroom and the kitchen.

A counter divided the kitchen from the dining nook. The living room was in front with a vented fireplace a couch, Dad’s chair with the best view of the black and white console TV. Yes, the TV was a piece of furniture and remained black and white until Dad had mono after I went to college.

There was an large lot by today’s standards with a running brook. Yes, I made dams on the brook many times. But most afternoons we played baseball or football at McGovern’s field. A neighbor who bought 2 lots and cleared one for game playing.

How did you and Mom meet? Did you propose to her? Were you nervous? What did you say when you proposed?

I met your mother at a Friday evening tennis social. A mixed doubles event mixer with multiple matches. The last match normally had couples play together. I got partnered with your mother, who had played tennis in High School. Our male opponent was an player who I knew and I also felt I was a better player.

Early in the set I hit two lobs badly over his head which he was able to hit overheads, both times he chose to hit his overheads at your mother. My thoughts at that point was your mother could have a good time or he could. I decided I needed to play better and we won the set.

I ran into our opponent in the locker room while showering and changing my clothes. He asked me why I had played so well. I told him my thoughts. He had given me a choice that he could have a good time or my partner could. He understood what I was saying.

That evening your mother and I closed a pizza restaurant in Wellesley, MA. Talking with your mother was easy and we quickly started spending all our non-work time together. After meeting your mother I started playing tennis about 3 to 4 times a week instead of the 5-6 times before.

I proposed while making love in the woods outside of camp. Yes, I was nervous. The loving making was awkward. But it was a simply. “will you marry me”.

What was your first job? Describe the setting.

During High School I never really had a job. I earned money keeping score of baseball and software games. Richard and I also cleaned floors at a local day care/pre school in town once.

The summer before my sophomore year in college, I worked with Dad in the woods. We cut on the lot where your Uncle Allen now lives. During that summer, I drove the tractor, measured pulp wood, and piled logs. I felt I was contributing until the work shifted to hardwood. I attempted to lift the hardwood logs and Dad decided that because of my back I shouldn’t. Yes the logs were heavy and he had reason, but it was the only time in my life that Dad actually forbid me to try. This more then anything impacted my relationship with my father for the rest of my life. I no longer felt I was worthy in his eyes.

That winter I took the course on the effects of fallout and the next summer I worked for the Army Corps of Engineers inspecting disaster shelters. I retained that job for 3 years. The first year in Connecticut and the final 2 summers in Michigan. The job meant going to new and existing buildings measuring internal space and exterior walls. Fortunately we have avoided a nuclear war and the work never amounted to anything more than helping me get through college debt free.

First Job after College

Was at the Mitre Corporation in Bedford, MA. Mitre was a contract monitor for the Navy. My first assignment was developing a prototype of radar data translator. During my two years at Mitre programming was done using punch cards, paper tape, cassette tape. I was able to travel for demonstrations to Virginia, South Carolina, Florida, Italy, France, and Germany and learned the skills necessary for my 2nd job. I was with Mitre for about 2 1/2 years.

Do you remember the first day you were alone with your baby? For how long?

I don’t remember the first time I was alone with you, but I do remember the first time I held you in the delivery room. You were fussy. I don’t remember you ever really crying. But after they cleaned you up they brought you to me where your mother could see you and handed you to me. I don’t remember what I said, but I do remember you going silent and still as if you were where you belonged. And my desire to not be a bragging father about how great his son was lost in that moment.

I didn’t hold for more than 5 minutes and you were off for treatment because you had low blood sugar.

What is the best gift or compliment I’ve ever given you?

The simple answer is you. Being your father has been a gift. But beyond that when you started asking my opinion as you developed as an adult. That to me was a gift. Knowing you respected the choices I made over the years enough to seek my advice is a gift.

Yes, I have enjoyed the letters about history. To me those are a perfect gift. Something a person enjoys, but would never do for themselves.

Would my 30-year-old self like your 30-year-old self? Would we be friends?

The simple answer is no. At the time I was transitioning from a person who didn’t like himself to one who was comfortable in his own skin. By 34 when I met your mother I liked myself. At 30 I was in that process of learning that I was someone who was worthy of someone’s love and trust.

What were you stressed about when I was a kid?

In some ways I still stress about it… There was an incident that happened when I was alone with you in the garage. The garage door was broken and would not open properly. I was working getting it closed and did something stupid. I released the spring in a way that the garage door closed under pressure and slammed shut. It would have killed you had you been under it.

I broke the rule of trying something I didn’t have the skill set to do. Of not using the right tool for the job.

How did your relationship with your dad influence the kind of parent you are?

Both Mom and Dad were proud of independence me and my siblings were able to obtain as adults. It was also my desire for you. Dad wanted me to make my own decisions. There was an incident between my Junior and Senior years when I wanted his advice on whether I should buy a Photo Enlarger.

His only comment was it was my choice. But to me it was $20 of his dollars. For me at the time that was a lot of money, and I struggled with my need or want. I eventually decided I could use other means to develop my pictures. In retrospect developing my own pictures would have been a fun skill to have.

But it was that type of belief that I needed to make my own choices that led to my hands off approach to your college search. It was his belief in family values that led to my rejection of your mother’s interest in boarding school in high school. In retrospect there are good and bad results from those feelings.

What was the easiest and the most challenging age to parent?

When you were young you quickly developed good communication skills. You were an easy child to parent. There were 2 difficult events in your life.

The first was in junior high school and the situation with your girl friend. I know you agree with me at this point that your relationship became too close too soon. But you didn’t understand that point at the time and it is the only time in our relationship were we were not close.

The 2nd incident was your climbing adventures the summer before your senior year in high school. You were close enough to me to actually tell me what you were doing and I had very little control on your activities by this time. But your climbing was dangerous not only legally, but also as a potential life changing event. I responded with the only threat I knew I had influence and that was withholding your soccer.

It would have been painful for me to actually stop support for your soccer, but I would have done it had I learned later that you had disobeyed me. The threat was real, but so also was my concern for your future.

What good things from your childhood did you hope to pass down to me, and what did you hope to spare me?

I had wonderful parents who always put balanced meals on the table. My hope was that I would not impart any of my food dislikes to you. But I also wanted you to read. My favorite pass time with you was always reading. I enjoyed our bedtimes together. I liked your willingness to find different books to enjoy. My father was not an easy man to get to know. I wanted a closeness with you that I didn’t have with my father.

Do you have a memory of me lying to you or you lying to me?

I do not!

What are some of the things that you find most fulfilling and meaningful in your life now? How does that compare with what you found most meaningful as a young man?

Life to me now is not meaningful. I find today’s political environment so wrong headed and so divisive. It hurts me to think that my generation stopped finding ways to compromise and stopped talking to people with different opinions. I miss a good civil debate.

What’s the hardest thing about parenting an adult? What surprised you?

The changes in the job market surprised me. When you were in High School and I told you I would not help you financially as an adult, I had not anticipated the changes to the job market. I was concerned that your bachelor’s degree would limit your choices, but I did not anticipate how much. When the reality became clear I realized how wrong I had been and have been happy to assist you continuing your education.

As you got older, how did your priorities change?

Today my first priority is to stay independent for as long as possible. I will help you if necessary, but you seem to be well situated and that gives me pride. I enjoy my neighbors and have more people I consider friends then at any time in my life. But always my priorities have been the same.

• My family.
• My health
• My job and finances to support 1 and 2.

Did you see yourself becoming a man of this age? How is your life today different from how you imagined it would be?

I never imagined I would be 75. I had one grandparent who lived past my current age. You never met any of them. I have had a chance to travel and still enjoy it. There are places I still want to visit. Since I didn’t imagine being this age, I’m not certain it is different significantly from my hopes and dreams for the future. There is one area which will always disappointment me. And unfortunately that this the politics of the day.

I never imagined a day when the president and his family would be immune to future audits by the IRS. I never imagined a day where Presidential actions would be above the law.

What are your goals for our relationship these days?

I wish to stay connected. Distance makes daily visits impossible, but even if I were in Portland, OR, I would want to give you space. I hope to talk to you over the phone on a weekly basis and to visit you at least 2 times a year.

Who is the person in your life who you felt understood you the best?

That would be you. Kay understood me well and that was the basis of a good relationship. Your Aunt Beth and I communicate often and we know each other well. But of all the people in my life, I believe you understand who I am better than anyone.

If you were going to get a part-time job in retirement, what would you be best at?

That is simple. The job I have now, working on the system I was part of enhancing over a 23 year period, I spent just under 5 years at Digital Equipment Corporation. I learned the skills needed to program on the VMS platform there and used those skills for the rest of my work life.

What’s something you used to believe strongly, but have since changed your mind about?

This is simple, as a youngster I felt the war in Vietnam was just. I no longer feel that way. My first presidential vote was for Richard Nixon. He betrayed the public trust and it was a mistake I hope we don’t make again.

Are there things you wish you could say to your own father that you have never said?

A simple I love you would be a start. But over the years I learned how much his decisions helped mold me into the man I am. I would try to let him know that I appreciated his efforts.

If you could spend one day with your child at a particular age again, which age would that be? What activities would you do together?

That is easy. The day my back Doctor explained why he didn’t operate on my back. The moment was one which I truly misunderstood. He didn’t operate because I was too well adjusted and the results were not worth the risk. He never charged Mom and Dad for my care. But he also didn’t make us part of that decision. I would tell my younger self. “Your Doctor is right, your just fine.” Your going to be alright.

It was almost 12 years before I actually got to that point. I wasted a lot of my life thinking about what might have been, instead of what will be.

What’s your deepest wish for me?

From the moment you were conceived, my wish was for you to be healthy and happy. I think you would make a wonderful father and while I will never be disappointed in your choices, you will never know how much you mean to me without becoming a father yourself.