My most important Role

What it means to me…

As a nearly retired nobody, I look back in my life at times and ask about my role in life. In reality I’ve played many roles. I’ve been a Son, grandson, great grandson (briefly), brother, cousin, friend, student, worker, boss, mentor, husband, lover, coach, instructor, etc. To me my most important role, the one which will survive me the longest is father.

I took this role as with all these roles seriously. But in this role I had the most opportunity to impact another beings life. Through my thoughts, words, actions, and deeds my son learned from me what it meant to be a person. My ability to shape a life was never more impactful to another human.

What it took.

Consistency was a key. But also a realization, that what he needed from me overtime changed. Yes, I changed a diaper or a couple hundred. But I also communicated with him. I learned from him what he needed.

I learned from his preschool, that a young child wanted to learn. Each child explores their new universe by touching, smelling, using senses to know more. This takes time and as his parent, it was my job to give him that time. By doing this he was able to develop a love of learning.

Bedtime.

Bedtime was my time with my son. We developed an evening program. After supper we would wash the dishes together. Even when he 3-4 years old I would find ways he could help. After clean up it was time for some fun.

We bought a cardboard bricks set and would build towers. Many came close to the ceiling and my son would be on my shoulders to place the last brick. No tower building project was complete until the tower was knocked down.

After several towers, it was time to start the cool down. A 1/2 hour of age appropriate TV followed with my son in my lap or near by.

Reading.

Finally it was time for bed, changing into pajamas and reading time. My son had a good selection of books. (contrary to the phone salesperson who told me I would be stunting my childs development if I didn’t buy their series of child literature.)

We had a system. I would select one book, my son another. His selection would usually be a book we had read the previous evening. I would start with the title and the author (Dr. Suess, Bernstein Bears, Robert Munsch, etc) and read both books.

About every 3rd night my son would select my selection from the previous night. So I can’t recall reading the same book every night for more then a week.

We continued something similar to this process until we were reading chapter books such as Shirlock Holmes and science fiction. It ended when my son couldn’t wait for the next night to continue and expected me to pickup where he left off with me missing the several chapters he had already read.

I instilled in him a joy for competition.

We enjoyed from a young age a joy in competition, playing with a balloon ball soccer in the back yard. He went from our backyard games, to youth teams, to competitive teams. Throughout this time, it was my desire that he play soccer for himself. My job became an observer. Each time a soccer ball went to his feet I saw joy. He played soccer because he enjoyed it. Until he didn’t and he stopped.

But I got more out of it. There was a need for referees, so I got certified. I refereed soccer for over 10 years and while I will never claim to be the best, for the most part I enjoyed it. I refereed soccer even after he stopped playing.

Now he plays disc golf and continues to competite in other ways.

It wasn’t always easy.

As a youth there were times I needed to redirect the energy. I learned from my sister (a teacher) that timeouts should be one minute for each year the child was old. Each time he was put on time would begin with quiet time. Near the end of the alloted time out I would go to him and we would discuss the events leading up to the timeout. The discussion always ended with a hug.

My green easy chair was the site of his time out. It got to the point we could warn him that it might be time for the green chair and that would be enough to change the behavoir. In effect we could warn him and his friends didn’t even know it happened. The green chair eventually became his favority chair in the house.

I recognized that this worked for this child, it wouldn’t work in every situation, but it worked for us because we were able to establish communications from a very young age.

As he got older, the strings we could pull became weaker. It also meant we had to pick our battles more carefully and make certain it was important. I needed to recognize, my son was nolonger a toddler, but a teenager and then an adult in order to maintain the communication.

Divorce.

Life was not always good and I was not always a good father. The events leading up to the divorce were nasty. We tried therapy but it wasn’t meant to be. In order to be a good father, I needed to not be married to my son’s mother. The timing was such that my son was old enough to talk too.

I tried with some success and some failure to never put my son between my ex-wife and myself. During the separation we had my son talk with our minister. After that talk she provided several insights which shaped my future actions.

The first was that my son did not feel he was the cause of the separation.

She did discover that he did feel it was his job to get us back together. I believe she successfully convinced him that it was not.

Finally she told me it was my job to love my son unconditionally. It was not my job to convince my son that my ex-wife loved him and that I shouldn’t cheapen my expressions of love for him with those of his mother’s.

A new relationship.

After several years, I met another woman. The relationship progress rather quickly from dating to proposal. We set a date and began the process with a visit to the minister.

My soon to be spouse expressed her fear that my relationship with my son would get in the way of our relationship. The minister, the same one who had helped earlier told me in no uncertain terms that when we married, my priority relationship had to husband and wife.

With some therapy, we were able to come to an agreement. My son while important would take a less central role in my life. By now he was in Junior High, so loosening the ties was in process.

My new wife entered the picture

What got my son through all this

Soccer and reading. My son loved to read. His soccer coach even called reading his biggest problem. When not in school or on the soccer field he was reading a book.

Early on it was mostly fantasy. When all was not right in the world my son would escape into books. It worried my ex-wife. At a teachers conference the subject came up. We all agreed he was using his reading to escape the world. But we also came to the conclusion that he couldn’t have a better escape.

He developed a life long love of J.R.R. Tolkien. Overtime his subject material transfered from fantasy to science fiction and eventually expanded to more academic material.

So on this Father’s Day.

I want to say to my son.

I was fortunate. We grew close. I had a lot of help along the way.

Now as an adult you still ask me for my opinion. No longer do I wish to mold your thinking or actions, but only enhance your life. The greatest gift you give me is when you ask me for my opinion. I hope it helps.

You have helped me live what I consider to be a successful life.

I will always want the best for you.